"No heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams." -Paulo Coelho

I am always told that I think too much, but I know that my sister does more of that than me. Things always make me wonder, I can see someone eating ice-cream, or a book on a table, or a bird singing, anything, makes me wonder. I'd think how happy the baby is when the lady made him laugh, then I'd wonder if he would be another spoilt brat who would break his parents' hearts, or if he would be a man that make a difference to those around him. Then I'd realize that he was happy because he saw the world as something new and exciting, then I wonder if he would still be that happy when he was old. Then I wonder what would my life be like when I was old. I understand what my mum means when she says I shouldn't think too much, thinking too much of something makes that thing appears old, and when something is old and familiar, it no longer brings excitement to life. If I think about life too much, I would eventually fall into depression.

I don't know why people talk so much sometimes, I used to be like that when I was younger, like ten or twelve. But I've been talking less and less recently, and thinking more and more. I find it hard to stop thinking, I'm always caught staring at things and not noticing what's happening around me. I thought if I don't stop thinking, I'd miss out on life. But when I do pay attention, conversations flow past like meaningless words. I wonder why people care about petty things like what brand of perfume is better. Do people really notice? Take my sister, she has sinus, she never smells anything. So I spend less time thinking about worthless things, things that don't actually matter, and I start to think about the things nearby, try to be a realist.

I'm only fifteen, people say I'm young, it's the time for me to enjoy life without worries. But it is really suppose to be that way? Because the way I see it, being fifteen is a chance, a chance to look at our life before the priviledge to say "stop" is taken away from us. I've seen people who plunge into their lives after school without a second thought, they find a job at some hardware store, and before they realize it, that's their life, molded into shape. And when they want to change, it's too late, what about the kids? The family? They had lost their chance of going after their dreams and have to live a practical life for their children, in hopes that they would not make the same mistake. But honestly, those are the lucky ones, the unlucky ones are those who live their life without realizing they are not living the life they wanted, those who are content, who believes it's enough because they can support their families, for these people, they would most probably encourage their children to live like them, no college, no education after secondary schools, get a job and get married. One of my sister's friend is the child of the second category, his father would not "waste" money for him to go to college, he is to get a job and get married after graduation, which would happen November this year. And he is only seventeen. It's scary to know the way your life would be like when you're seventeen, especially when you know that's not what you want.

I am, thankfully, in the first group. But I don't think that means anything, my parents are all right for any direction I want to go now, as long as I'll have a good job when I grow up, because obviously, "without money, you're nothing". Seeing my friends entering adulthood one by one, most of them not even noticing what they are doing, scares me. What their parents do not understand is that college is not a waste of money, and their children could be great people if they gave them their trust. So, yes, I'm fifteen, but it is really that young? In two more years, I'd graduate high school, then I'd go into college, and then what? What should I study, would I ever live a life I love? I salute those who have so much faith in life, those who are absolutely sure that one day, they would be happy. All I want is to live a life I would not regret.

I want to live in a country that has four seasons and good food. I want to be able to travel and experience happiness and love, so what if I have to be poor? What is money when we die? As long as I can live on my own, that's enough, I don't need millions to be happy, and how many millionaires are actually happy? What can money buy that would give us happiness?

I'm going for my dream, to live a big life, a life that would make a difference and make people's life easier. Then maybe, everyone would have a chance to dream when they can stop worrying about food. I know that my parents and relative see my sister and I as two people who are going to have a great job one day, they have expectations in us to do them proud. I can tell what makes them think so too, because my dad came from a poor family and is now a lawyer, so we would probably follow his footsteps.

But I know I don't want to. I can tell that this is not a life my parents wanted. Especially my mum. She has always told me not to marry a certain type of man, I know that she's talking about my father, and she did not have to tell me, I know. What's wrong with my dad anyway? He earns good money, money that we would use to further our studies. But that's all he does. He was never home, he can't tell my age, nor my sister's. He doesn't notice when my mother is not home, he can't talk to us anymore because he doesn't have any idea what's going on in our lives. Is this the life he wanted when he was fifteen? He doesn't have to say it, I know it isn't. And right now, the things that are stopping my parents from going for their dreams are my sister and I. But I want to set them free, they are the ones who give me the chance to live out my dream, and I'm going to let them go for theirs before it's too late.

So, I know, fifteen isn't young. I'm glad I won a full scholarship to finish high school in Singapore, because my parents have done enough, and they have to pay for my sister's college. The sooner I can support myself, the sooner they can do whatever they want. These are my last months studying in Malaysia, because in everybody's life, there would be a time to grow up, to be independant. For me, this is the time to go out and meet the world. So yeah, I'm an idealist, I want an extraodinary life, I want to make a difference for people like my family and other families, I want to help make their lives better one day, then maybe, just maybe more people can live the life they want. Yea, far-fetched and unrealistic, I know, all those things probably wouldn't even happen, but if they do, it'd do everyone a great big favour, because when it comes down to it, all we get is one chance to live.