Back for CNY!

Haven't been here for ages. Here's what happened to me.

I went to S'pore and was checked into a Girls' Hostel and enrolled into a Girls' School and was told that everything i want i have to claim/apply/write in three days/two weeks before I want it. Everything went against my nature, and I was trying to breathe, move, talk, laugh, study all at the same time while I don't feel like it. Of course, after a while, I'd learn my way around, and got myself out of a few sticky application formality shit. Like, for example, my online account, I told the hostel it was an emergency (which, of course it was! i haven't been online for a month because of the stupid application stuffs, anyway, i got my student pass that day) that I have an online test due the next day and need to go online ASAP to finish it. They scolded me and i went up to my room, only to be paged down to the office again to be told that my account has been created. Around three mins. And it says that if we write in, it takes three days to process!!!

Those are the moments you'll feel proud of being a M'sian.

But not everything can be done that way, for example to bypass curfew, to stay out during the night or simply to go back during holidays. We just have to inform two weeks before the actual date, or there can be no guarantee that we'll get out. Which is, if you ask me, ridiculous. They're creating so many paperwork for themselves that they take so long to process a single piece of simple request of going out after curfew! Why do we need paperwork for borrowing the vacuum cleaner, I ask you? And yet we do! Anyway, these things are the reason why ppl turn crazy. Inefficiency, if you ask me.

Now that I'm back.

I'm going out with my friends and party all day long. I not the kind of people who can stay cooped up for long. Plus, i really need to relax and have fun, some thing really hard to do in s'pore. And of course, to be around normal huuman beings, instead of robots. Life sucks, but sometimes, it rocks too. I haven't settled all my essays, hoomeworks, assignments yet .... that's the sad part. But we can always ignore them, can't we? lol. In short, I'm just happy to be back. Despite the mosquitoes, weather, bumpy roads... it's more human. And anyway, this is how I grew up, I should be proud of it.

Chinese New Year is as usual. Lots of people, lots of food, heat, sweat, boredom. I mean, that's probably what you get when you try to make people who only meet once a year come together and well, meet, right? We don't even know each other that well anymore. But still, it was more fun at the kampung, the town people keep asking about Singapore, and saying things like i should come back if I can't take it because it's really tough. I mean, it's my life, right? And they don't even know me, what gives them the right to comment about my life even??? Would i even need their permission to come back? Hell no. That's why I hate CNY. But it's nicer back at the kampung because we're closer to them, of course, still not very close, but, you know, they're friendlier and very helpful, like they try to pack lots of cakes and biscuits for me to bring to S'pore because they think i looked thinner ... But yea, can't finish so much stuffs anyway, gotta leave some at home.

Have to bathe now, MP is waiting... Got lots of homework to do when I get back! But who gives a damn.

The Examination Story

Invigilators are people we don't see very often. Being students of a very structured education programme, the only times we get to see invigilators before graduating secondary school and escaping to various colleges or fast food restaurants looking for a job, are a) when we were 12, sitting for the first major exam in our life that would play a very important role in our future life in secondary school, b) the last months of our secondary three school year, when all of us would finally face the ultimate exam that would seperate us into the legendary Science Students or Arts Students and c) when we are 17, all of us would again have another exam, this time, it would determine if we were qualified for colleges, scholarships, half scholarships, priviledges and the likes.

These are the times invigilators (actually common teachers) are sent from other schools to our schools, or the schools we go to to seat for the examination. And teachers would be sent from our schools to other schools as well. Like an exchange programme, only they don't really get to learn anything except new cheating methods (if they keep their eyes open, which most of the time, they don't), or meet anyone, and it's just for a few hours. Bottom line is, it's boring, who wants to sit or walk or stand in a class full of students, some scribbling like crazy others dropping pencil or any other form of stationaries purposely just to annoy you, for hours upon hours without any books to read or a comfortable place to sleep? That explains why invigilators are so bad tempered.

So being fifteen, and in secondary three, this is the time of the year I get to observe the invigilators up close. It's not a very entertaining past time, but when I have more than one hour left to sit through without anything to distract me, it seemed like a good idea. Turned out, it wasn't such a good idea after all. This time, the invigilator was a very boring lady in her late fifties, at least. And being in a private school, I had to walk, along with my friends, to a boy school nearby to take the papers, where the boys behaved like primates and sometimes while standing at the balcony of first floor looking towards the road, I feel like I'm in an exotic rainforests inhabited with over-excited monkeys. And with more than an hour to spare, looking at the invigilator sleeping in front of me did not help my already-annoyed mood.

What is the purpose of an unconcious teacher in a room with a group of students sitting for an examination they were convinced would determine their future, and therefore would risk anything to pass with flying colours? I could have cheated and nothing would ever happen. So much for the ultimate exam, the only thing special about it was that cheating could be done openly without any actions taken. To calm myself and to distract my mind from unpleasant thoughts, I concentrated on the patterns on the dented and weathered walls, painted a disturbingly thick coat of dirty yellow, or maybe it was the dust that made it look dirty. I found some patterns that looked like the world map, only Africa had disappeared and Southeast Asia and Australia was not connected to anything at all. I think it's very apparent that I was bored to the point of turning crazy. I finally resolved to trying to tap my identity card in rhythm to the seconds.

I cannot believe how much time was wasted doing exams like these, yes, I know, the whole country is taking the exam at the exact same time, yes, it's a big deal that would in some twisted and complicated way affect the life I would eventually lead. But is this necessary?? One hour for a forty questions English objective paper?? The questions did not vary much from those I answered when I was twelve. I took only five minutes. That means I would have to wait/waste fifty-five minutes of valuable time trying to prevent myself from madness. It was a tiring and suffering process, one of the worst I've been through. And I've lived in places where none of the toilets flush and showerheads stop working whenever they please, even when you have shampoo in your hair and all over your body.

Exams have taken such a significant position in a school and a student's life that they have silently but effectively taken over the importance of learning. Now, learning and understanding is no longer the key point of attending school, getting A's in exams, with whatever method, is. I find this especially saddening, it's hypocritical, yes, we need exams to seperate the smart ones from the average ones, and it is unfair to let every student, with or without potential, hardworking or not, enter the top class of the school. But admit it, exams are overrated. Do exams prove everything? Maybe the student only studied one topic the day before the exam and hit the jackpot. Is this student to be considered genius?? Because Einstein never did well in school when he was young, but he calculated the speed of light, a feat highly impossible for all the straight A's student to accomplish.

Maybe there's just no accurate way to measure one's intelligence and potential, maybe the solution is to give every child equal opportunities to be great.

One for Coco

That is my shihtzu. He has two names, but being him, he only answers when he wants to. One is Coco, his first name, given on the day he was bought. It was to save him from being named Poppy, my mum thought it was cute and started calling him that, panicked, my sister came out with the name Coco, not very nice, but we were in an emergency. The second name is Baby, which is what I call him now, on most days. Again, it's because my mum liked to call him "baby", and he starts answering to that as well. By the way, the ball in the first picture is now nonexistent, it was bitten and chewed until the insides came out, we threw it away for his own safety. It was one of his favourites.

Never thought we would have a dog, we were too busy, but we saw him one day and couldn't resist. Of course now, he's like the youngest son of the family and I finally have a younger brother. He's not that much different than the stereotypical little brother, he's bossy, mischievous, playful, and sometimes very proud. And believe it or not, he bullies my sister and I when he plays with us by barking every time we don't give him the ball, but if my mother suddenly enters the room, he'd sit down and wait for her to go before continuing. So my mum thinks he's an angel.

The third and the fourth picture is how he looks like right now, that's my sister carrying him, we do that a lot because he's so small. Isn't he just adorable?

We painted the cage (fourth picture) pink because he loves pink so much. My mum had to keep him busy when we were painting because he thought we were doing something fun without him and wouldn't leave us alone. He's really outgoing around us... my mum spoils him though. But there's always my sister, she loves to call him Naughty Boy for doing nothing bad at all. hehe, but he's used to it.

Anyway ... I love him a lot, he's fun and quiet at the same time, not everyone can do that you know? And he's just him, yea, he's proud sometimes, and when he's down, he walks away when we call him, but he's still really caring and sweet. I found out once by faking death, a fall to the ground followed by a terrible scream. He came to sniff my nose to see if I was alright! Then I had to laugh, he made a few angry noises and strutted away. But, hey, I had to know, right?

Don't know why I'm suddenly featuring my dog on my blog. Guess I'm feeling down and he really cheered me up, plus being one-year-old, he deserves to get online. Plus he's the ultimate genius that is yet to be recognized by the world. He knows exactly how to get things he wants, and no one disturbs him when he sleeps, because he has mum as his ally of course. Also, although he's like the prince of the house, he's really quiet and thoughtful, he'll try to drag my mum to the room if she's been in the kitchen for too long. Such a sweet boy. If he were human, he'd probably be a play boy and have more than twenty girlfriends. I can see that already. Everyone who sees him, including people who practically hates dogs and vowed never to touch dogs would come back for a second visit with a gift for him.

Love him? Oh well, he's ours. lol. Anyway, if you wanna be friends with him, here's his dogster >> clickie!

The Beginning

"No heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams." -Paulo Coelho

I am always told that I think too much, but I know that my sister does more of that than me. Things always make me wonder, I can see someone eating ice-cream, or a book on a table, or a bird singing, anything, makes me wonder. I'd think how happy the baby is when the lady made him laugh, then I'd wonder if he would be another spoilt brat who would break his parents' hearts, or if he would be a man that make a difference to those around him. Then I'd realize that he was happy because he saw the world as something new and exciting, then I wonder if he would still be that happy when he was old. Then I wonder what would my life be like when I was old. I understand what my mum means when she says I shouldn't think too much, thinking too much of something makes that thing appears old, and when something is old and familiar, it no longer brings excitement to life. If I think about life too much, I would eventually fall into depression.

I don't know why people talk so much sometimes, I used to be like that when I was younger, like ten or twelve. But I've been talking less and less recently, and thinking more and more. I find it hard to stop thinking, I'm always caught staring at things and not noticing what's happening around me. I thought if I don't stop thinking, I'd miss out on life. But when I do pay attention, conversations flow past like meaningless words. I wonder why people care about petty things like what brand of perfume is better. Do people really notice? Take my sister, she has sinus, she never smells anything. So I spend less time thinking about worthless things, things that don't actually matter, and I start to think about the things nearby, try to be a realist.

I'm only fifteen, people say I'm young, it's the time for me to enjoy life without worries. But it is really suppose to be that way? Because the way I see it, being fifteen is a chance, a chance to look at our life before the priviledge to say "stop" is taken away from us. I've seen people who plunge into their lives after school without a second thought, they find a job at some hardware store, and before they realize it, that's their life, molded into shape. And when they want to change, it's too late, what about the kids? The family? They had lost their chance of going after their dreams and have to live a practical life for their children, in hopes that they would not make the same mistake. But honestly, those are the lucky ones, the unlucky ones are those who live their life without realizing they are not living the life they wanted, those who are content, who believes it's enough because they can support their families, for these people, they would most probably encourage their children to live like them, no college, no education after secondary schools, get a job and get married. One of my sister's friend is the child of the second category, his father would not "waste" money for him to go to college, he is to get a job and get married after graduation, which would happen November this year. And he is only seventeen. It's scary to know the way your life would be like when you're seventeen, especially when you know that's not what you want.

I am, thankfully, in the first group. But I don't think that means anything, my parents are all right for any direction I want to go now, as long as I'll have a good job when I grow up, because obviously, "without money, you're nothing". Seeing my friends entering adulthood one by one, most of them not even noticing what they are doing, scares me. What their parents do not understand is that college is not a waste of money, and their children could be great people if they gave them their trust. So, yes, I'm fifteen, but it is really that young? In two more years, I'd graduate high school, then I'd go into college, and then what? What should I study, would I ever live a life I love? I salute those who have so much faith in life, those who are absolutely sure that one day, they would be happy. All I want is to live a life I would not regret.

I want to live in a country that has four seasons and good food. I want to be able to travel and experience happiness and love, so what if I have to be poor? What is money when we die? As long as I can live on my own, that's enough, I don't need millions to be happy, and how many millionaires are actually happy? What can money buy that would give us happiness?

I'm going for my dream, to live a big life, a life that would make a difference and make people's life easier. Then maybe, everyone would have a chance to dream when they can stop worrying about food. I know that my parents and relative see my sister and I as two people who are going to have a great job one day, they have expectations in us to do them proud. I can tell what makes them think so too, because my dad came from a poor family and is now a lawyer, so we would probably follow his footsteps.

But I know I don't want to. I can tell that this is not a life my parents wanted. Especially my mum. She has always told me not to marry a certain type of man, I know that she's talking about my father, and she did not have to tell me, I know. What's wrong with my dad anyway? He earns good money, money that we would use to further our studies. But that's all he does. He was never home, he can't tell my age, nor my sister's. He doesn't notice when my mother is not home, he can't talk to us anymore because he doesn't have any idea what's going on in our lives. Is this the life he wanted when he was fifteen? He doesn't have to say it, I know it isn't. And right now, the things that are stopping my parents from going for their dreams are my sister and I. But I want to set them free, they are the ones who give me the chance to live out my dream, and I'm going to let them go for theirs before it's too late.

So, I know, fifteen isn't young. I'm glad I won a full scholarship to finish high school in Singapore, because my parents have done enough, and they have to pay for my sister's college. The sooner I can support myself, the sooner they can do whatever they want. These are my last months studying in Malaysia, because in everybody's life, there would be a time to grow up, to be independant. For me, this is the time to go out and meet the world. So yeah, I'm an idealist, I want an extraodinary life, I want to make a difference for people like my family and other families, I want to help make their lives better one day, then maybe, just maybe more people can live the life they want. Yea, far-fetched and unrealistic, I know, all those things probably wouldn't even happen, but if they do, it'd do everyone a great big favour, because when it comes down to it, all we get is one chance to live.

Currently Reading The Neddiad: How Neddie Took the Train, Went to Hollywood, and Saved Civilization By Daniel Manus Pinkwater see related

For no particular Reasons

Twilight - what do the characters think of you.

Your best friend - Jasper. You've been turned into a vampire and are a member of the Cullen Family. You are shy and quiet but underneath your surface lies a fierce warrior who knows how to love unconditionally. Your main goal is to protect your loved ones and keep everyone around you safe and happy. Emmett - thinks you too calm and sedate to be for real. Nothing makes him angrier than when you beat him at a wrestling match and don't boast about it. He can't wait until your newborn strength fades and he can take you on and learn if you're really skilled or just strong. Rosalie - thinks you are a good influence on Emmett and thinks its funny when you beat him in wrestling. She hopes that you will soon find your own mate. Jasper - your all time best friend. Only Edward understands why as you two mostly sit together in silence and play chess or sketch together. Alice - saw that you would be Jasper's best friend for a long time and is happy that her vision has finally come true. She looks forward to spending more time getting to know you and is glad that you make Jasper happy and take time with him so she can go shopping more often. Edward - thinks you are a very deep individual and enjoys spending time listening to your thoughts since he finds them very insightful. Bella - doesn't understand you or why you were able to acclimate into the family unit so quickly. Jacob - amazingly doesn't hate you. He doesn't understand how someone as quiet and thoughtful as you would willingly become a leech. Somehow you don't disgust him even though he normally hates vampires. He'd ham-string any of his brothers who tried to hurt you. Carlisle - Is pleased you are a member of his family and works with you daily to help you gain control. Esme - Just loves you and is happy to have another member in her family
Take this quiz!

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I have read Twilight, and New Moon. Kinda like it, very romantic. Only I think Bella is a little too dependable on Edward, personally I wouldn't be courageous enough to love that strongly. Especially in New Moon when Edward tried to convince her he didn't like her anymore. But still, I would've liked it better if she was a little more independant. Anyway, feeling bored lately so I took this quiz for fun.

Mirikito. A stupid quiz says that's my ninja name. I happen to like it.

Anyway, seriously now, recently, I've been feeling kinda down, like i'm missing out on life because I look into the future too much. But I don't see anything interesting now! So yea, I don't have many friends, in fact, I almost have none. I just don't identify with anyone and it's really tired trying to fit in all the time. And the fact that I don't trust people. But still, there has to be more to life than this.

Can't wait till the holidays ...

In fact, can't wait till next year. When I'll be away from home, ALONE, perfect time for a new adventure to begin. I think life is all about adventure, to go out there and just let things happen, what's the fun if we knew everything? And I think the darker side of life actually makes it more interesting. Maybe good things can't happen to us all the time because if it does, we won't know it's good anymore. So I think it's our job to find the balance and live life to the fullest, have fun and do crazy things. Why not if we don't hurt people? What is so wrong about going after our dreams? Why is having a stable life always better? Doesn't that mean giving up a big life, and being content as long as we can breathe and eat happily? Maybe i'm too young to understand, maybe I'm wrong, maybe i'm irresponsible, but i'd rather have a life of adventure even if it means being poor.

Anyway, enough of my useless rantings. I'm going to do something to cheer myself up.